Ireland produces vast quantities of woollen knitwear and, under a US/Irish trade agreement, American visitors may not return to the States without a minimum of two sweaters, of which one at least must be predominantly green. Airline staff may check that you have the required documentation before you are allowed to disembark. Note: under no circumstances will you see an Irish person wearing a woollen jumper. These jumpers are worn solely by Americans to identify them to muggers, thieves and knackers.

attributed to unknown author

St Patrick's Day brings the climax of the club championships in Gaelic games, which combine elements of the American sports of gridiron and baseball but are played with an intensity more associated with Mafia turf wars. The two main games are "football" and "hurling", the chief difference being that in football, the fights are unarmed. There is also "camogie" which is like hurling, except that in fights the hair may be pulled as well. Hurling, "the fastest game on earth", was best described by a Cork man to an American tourist when he said "its like a cross between ice hockey and murder"

attributed to unknown author

"Could you tell me the way to Balbriggan, please?" asked the English visitor.

"Certainly Sir," said Patrick. If you take the first road to the left…no still that wouldn't do…drive on for about four miles then torn left at the crossroads…no that wouldn't do either…"

Patrick scratched his head thoughtfully. "You know, if I was going to Balbriggan I wouldn't start from here at all."

Attributed to unknown author. Source: http://homepage.powerup.com.au/~mamalade/irish2.htm

Two married friends are out drinking…
One says to the other: "I can never sneak into the house after I've been drinking. I've tried everything. I turn the headlights off before I go up the drive. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off and creep upstairs. I get undressed in the bathroom. I do everything, but then my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out late."

His friend replies: "Do what I do. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap my wife's bottom and say, "How about a blow job?" She always pretends she's asleep."

Attributed to unknown author. Source: http://irishjokes.com/